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Engelsk fodboldhumor

Onsdag d. 28. juli 1999

Vi fandt denne herlige fodboldhumor på en af Chelseas mange hjemmesider.
Englænderne elsker at drille hinanden.
Betragt dette som et frikvarter og ikke somm Jens Jørgen Brinchs private fremstød for en tilfældig engelsk fodboldklub:


If anyone has any sport-related jokes then please send them to me at chelsea_cfc@hotmail.com and I will add them to this page.

Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What's the difference between the Spurs keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Last season Glenn Hoddle, Ruud Gullit and Dennis Wise were trying to get to Stamford Bridge when Glenn's car broke down on the wrong side of the river. They agreed to take a run up and try and run on water to the other side.
Glenn went first and miraculously walked on the water and got to the other side without getting wet. Ruudi went next and also walked on the water and got to the other side without getting wet. However, Dennis took one step and went straight under and had to swim to the other side.

Glenn turned to Ruudi and said - "That was rotten we should have told him about the stepping stones just under the surface."

To which Ruudi replied , "What stones?"

A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."

"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.

"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.

The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.

The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.

Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road!

Middlesborough sign Ravanelli. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his mum to tell her how it went. She says; I' m glad things are going well for you - it' s not too good here. People came to our house today and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad...I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Italy instead of bringing us up here with you.

In context of the "choose life" theme in Trainspotting the film.... Choose to fail in Europe again. Choose to waste countless millions. Choose to support a team from a city you've never been to. Choose whining. Choose to where grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you. Choose cheating. Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money's good. Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted visionary. Choose to waste 7 million on Cole. Choose the arrogance to field your reserve team and bleat about the consequences. Choose a racist albino with pink eyes and a red nose as your goalkeeper. Choose your own referee and assistants - except in Europe. Choose a Scandinavian paperboy as your top goal scorer. Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and then complain about injuries. Choose to have a moaning timekeeper as a manager. Choose to be arse-licked by the media and the accuse them of anti-United bias. Choose to forget 1969 to 1993 ever existed. Choose to change your kit 6 times a season. Choose your best ever player as an incoherent, wife-beating, alcoholic Irishman. Choose to poach your "impressive youth policy" from other clubs. Choose to sign a world class centre forward beginning with "SH" and pretend not to care when you get Sheringham instead of Shearer. Choose to go for the treble then end up with fuck all. Choose embarrassment. CHOOSE UNITED!(NO WAY!)

Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?
A.They're both useless in Europe.

Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans.
"Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"

"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."

"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"